


Sometimes I wonder

by WintersGreen



Series: A step through the window [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: (says who?), F/M, Feelings are bad at Remus Lupin, It's mostly just Remus pining over Sirius though, M/M, POV Remus Lupin, Remus Lupin is Bad at Feelings, Tonks is no man's rebound, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-21
Updated: 2020-08-21
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:15:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26032501
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WintersGreen/pseuds/WintersGreen
Summary: 19 years of a romance that never quiet happened, spanning 25 years and setting up events decades ahead.
Relationships: Remus Lupin/Nymphadora Tonks, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Series: A step through the window [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1889647
Kudos: 7





	Sometimes I wonder

_1977, a shared dorm room._

“I sometimes wonder”, Sirius had said “I wonder, what you are going to do when I am gone.” It had been the middle of the night, back in the days of their seventh year. The moon had been shining through the windows, and in one of those Sirius had been sitting, smoking. (And the moon shined on Sirius in that specific way and it had turned the boy into an otherworldly vision, shining in pale silver.)

The whole scene must have been so ludicrously dramatic, Sirius (of the never ending jokes and the pranks), being gloomy and morbid while smoking in the moonshine. Remus couldn’t help himself but chuckle.

“Well, wallow for all eternity to come, of course” he had answered, hoping to play the thing down instead of thinking too much about it. Only Sirius didn’t think it was funny. He had hopped off the windowsill and jumped on the bed besides Remus bouncing in place before rolling around to face his friend. His eyes had been open and his pupils delated. (They had all been so, so drunk, that night. James and Peter had been asleep by then, on the ground, in the middle of their dorm. One of them wearing a hat on his foot and a sock on his head.)

“It would be my honour to be mourned by you, but you can’t do that Remus! You are such a good person. You have to be happy, yes? If you aren’t happy then I failed and I will still be dead and it will be for nothing.”

Back then being happy in a world without Sirius had been an unthinkable concept. So Remus hadn’t said anything back even if he had wanted to- because he was used to never saying anything about this thing that kept eating at him. Instead he had laid still while Sirius had taken his hands in his own as if to implore him again. For whatever it was worth Sirius never said an other word of it. It must have been the alcohol finally getting to him because he had just looked on, deeply in the teenage werewolf eyes, and never said another word. Instead Remus had silently watched as his friends eyelids started dropping lower, listened to his breath becoming deeper. All the while regretting that he didn’t dare to use this one vulnerable moment in time to close the distance between them and kiss that beautiful idiot.

_1981, somewhere miserable_

After the betrayal Remus hadn’t been able to feel anything but regret. Regret that he had been so blind. Had he been so foolishly in love that he couldn’t seen behind Sirius’ deceit? Had the other played him this well?

_He remembered the night he had laid in bed, with Sirius holding his hands and telling him not to break over his death._ No chance of that. He would allow himself grieve, but not for the man he had fallen as a stupid kid, for but for his best friends who had fallen victim to the traitor of a man whom he once thought he could trust. He would mourn the loyal friends who gave their lives so their child would live. (And might save them all, eventually).

He had also been very, very angry. (At himself for his failure. At Sirius for his betrayal. At himself for loving Sirius. At Sirius for not loving him back.)

He had not wallowed because he forbid himself that level of pettiness. He had instead cut all his ties loose and set out to find something in this world that had not been touched by his pain. (Instead he had only found darkness.)

But at least, a part of him whispered, he hadn’t given Sirius the satisfaction of either his sorrow or his happiness. (He had given him nothing- because everything that had been important had been taken away by the same man. In one night.)

_1995, one continent apart_

One agonising decade later, after learning of Sirius innocence his hearth was more confused than ever- He had accepted that he’d been wrong to blame his friend. Slowly, very slowly. It had taken one year spent in Hogwarts, fearing his former friend would come for the last thing that Remus loved in this world.

At first he hadn’t wanted to even consider Sirius innocence because he didn’t trust himself around the man. At first he had refused to believe his own inner voice when it told him Sirius might have been set up, might be innocent. (Because secretly he had hoped that it might be true for too long before giving in to “common sense”. Back then. Thirteen years ago, in what felt like an other life).

After learning of Sirius innocence he had felt all the pain of his loss once again, just in an other way. He felt the guilt crash down on him like it never had before. All those wasted days, years.

And he had wallowed then, in his own way. (Because, he had to realise that someone had locked his best friend, his only remaining friend, away in Azkaban for twelve years and some Dementor had sucked the joy and life right out of him while Remus was licking his own wounds like coward. While he had done nothing and believed everything he had been told even as that had been a lie lie LIE.)

By then they had both turned into shells of themselves, left behind while all their betters- like James, like Lilly- had passed on. Left behind to see just how bereft the world was without their light.

And it had been hard: having Sirius by his side/ losing him again. This time because the animagus was running away from the untrue accusations made against him instead of subjecting himself to them in his ill appointed self hatered. Remus consolation was that somewhere the other man was finally free. How he looked much better, each time he firecalled. Healthier.

(Remus vowed he would let him be, let him run until he found a place not touched by his pain. Hoped that the darkness had stayed with Remus.)

_1995, autumn, grimmauld place_

The next time he saw Sirius, that he had the other wizard close enough to touch (and those thoughts were back, because of course they would be. He still woke up with the fantom sensation of the others arms wrapped around his torso, from time to time.) Sirius did look as if he had been stripped of his colours once more. He stood in the entrance hall of Grimmauld Place like a lost boy. Small and with fear in his eyes.

Maybe it was a touch of madness or maybe it was Remus own darkness reaching out to it’s kin, but by Merlin, he was still a vision. If he hadn’t seemed so fragile, maybe Remus would have dared to hope that for once Sirius broken hearth would recognise his own as its kin, too. That they could be on the same wavelength for once. But then Sirius had walked further into the dark house, Remus had followed and neither had said a word to the other.

_1995, with an other love_

Remus had loved Tonks (Nymphadora) with a part of himself that had never loved before. He didn't know he had it in him. (To love someone other than Sirius; to love in a sane way that did not chop off parts of his hearth one day filled with longing after the other.)

Loving Tonks had made him feel safe. He had been hesitating to be with her, to taint her with the curse that had tainted all of his life since he had been a child and Fenrir Greyback had ripped shards of his flesh from his bones. (She was not, as she was eager to remind him, afraid of anything) But simply loving her had been a balm, even in the days that he had refused to do anything about it. It was a sweet feeling that wrapped around him whenever she smiled and loosened the knots in his chest with each witty reply she gave.

He had enjoyed being in love with her and somedays even fooled himself that he might do something about this once the war was over. Once she could think about all of this rationally. But then he would attended an Order meeting and sit in front of the man with the silver eyes that looked right into his soul.

(No wonder he had never know the part of himself that could now love Tonks, it was so small compared to the rest of his soul that belonged entirely to someone else.)

Sirius could have destroyed all hopes for him and Tonks simply by letting Remus poor hearth keep on hoping even the faintest bit. But instead, one night, he had taken Remus hands (just like he had once, on a rainy day up in the Griffindor tower when they had still believed themselves to be unconquerable) and looked him in the eyes. His pupils were blown wide in the low light but the fire reflected in his irises which had glowed like liquid silver.

“I am so glad you have someone to love you, Remus. You should not waste either of your times.” He had said. And smiled, like he meant it. Like it meant the world to him that Remus might have found the one. Because of course Sirius had never considered that for all this time could have been him.

That night Remus had clutched his own hands to his chest, when he lay in his bed, and prayed that he would not break in half, split by the pain of knowing that Sirius had never, and would never, love him that same way that he did.

That following Christmas Remus had been invited to spend at Andromeda Tonks’ house. He was not the only one, apparently she and Ted had always hosted large gatherings. Still it had been implied that he came as Nymphadora Tonks’ guest.

The young woman had smiled and smiled at him, over potato dishes and late night drinks and all the while her mother had looked on disapprovingly. (Remus would have liked to tell Andromeda that he knew, that he would never...but her eyes were stern and made of silver and he hated himself too much for noticing their similarity to Sirius to ever speak to the woman.)

_1995, last hours of that year, first of the next_

The night that 1995 switched to the next he had spent with Sirius who had gotten himself drunk like he meant it. He had started hard on the fire-whiskey before the sun went down and not let off for hours. Remus had looked on without saying something because he had understood. He had been the only other person who dared to spend this cheerful day at dank old Grimmauld Place, where not even the faintest sound of fireworks would penetrate the thick walls, locking all the cheer out. (When he had invited him here Sirius must have know what Remus would witness. He must have wanted Remus to see him break.)

But the werewolf tried his best not to grant him that wish. He had matched Sirius drink for drink, even if he had a late start and soon his vision had narrowed and he could feel his heartbeat pulsating in his palms, in his stomach ad maybe even in the charged air between them.

They never knew if they made it to midnight or fell asleep before the year was over. Half past eleven found them in one of the beds upstairs with Remus on his back and Sirius hovering above him. He was on his knees, those bracing Remus hips who felt delirious by the proximity. His head was heavy on Remus chest, all those dark dark curls spilling over the cheap fabric of Remus nicest shirt.

Brave by the intoxication and tired to the bone of denying himself Remus had buried his hands in the silky black mess. He had moaned, in the secrecy of his head, un-hearable to his friend. If he hadn’t been this drunk he would have been hard in his trousers, against Sirius flat stomach and then he would have never been able to take any of it back, in the morning. (He didn't know if that was a good or a bad thing.)

His hands had tugged and Sirius head had lifted with the pull, until their eyes had met. The room was spinning a little which was a shame- Sirius was too beautiful under the moonlight to not be properly visible.

“Save me, Moony”, he had sobbed. Remus could feel the liquid drop down his hands but only now did he make the connection to the shine in Sirius eyes.

He had wanted to promise it, but the words died on his lips and instead, like a dark phoenix from the ashes, rose an entirely different sentence.

“I can’t.”

Remus couldn’t tell whom these words hurt more.

(He could barley tell if something hurt because his stubborn hearth was bleeding for never having its desire filled, all the time)

Strings snapped the last Black slumped back down on his best friend’s chest once again. His weight felt wonderful but Remus knew that suffocating would feel wonderful if it meant having Sirius hands wrapped tenderly around his neck.

He threw one of his legs over the others’ and rolled them to their sides. Sirius open mouth was hot against his collar bone, it pressed the air out of his chest just as effectively as any chokehold.

“Then save Harry, Remus, please. Please save our boy…”

(Our boy, as if Remus and Sirius could ever share something good like Harry. He was James and Lilly’s boy, they were James and Lillys broken left-overs)

Still Remus finally found it in himself to promise. Because everything would be lost if Harry died. The wizarding world’s future along with the last bit of good that James and Lilly had left behind. He would pour everything he had into keeping Harry safe and it would be enough- even if he himself never made love to the man who could lay so willingly in his arms.

They passed out a second after midnight and although Remus never knew they managed to see a new day he still felt himself chance once again. Having had this with Sirius, to spend one more night with him, entangled closer than most lovers ever were. It, too, was enough, in a totally different way.

_1996, a very cold month_

Days went on and Remus tried to be good, be useful. A full moon had him running through Scottish wilderness, with a black dog close to his heels that yipped in joy. (The wolf never stopped that night because the stupid dog was pack, even if it was a stupid dog who could not see that they were only running towards the end.)

In the morning Remus had grass in his hair and bile at the back of his throat. Sirius had been gone before he woke up but had left his coat.

The shivering man had wrapped it around his naked form. His wand was inside one of the pockets, he could have Apparate home in a second. Instead he had wandered the high moors, the cold water turning his toes blue. He had felt a little feverish. He had felt the horizon line loom ominously.

(At least the smell of Sirius’ was strong in his coat as well as on Remus own skin)

_1996, as winter turns to spring_

Arthur Weasley was becoming better after being attacked the week before christmas, because they had saved him, because somehow Harry had known what was about to happen. Somehow they seemed to have the upper hand for a second. Remus could sense it would not last for too long and so must have Sirius. His cheeks looked more gaunt than ever and he never stood in the moonlight anymore. He had not touched Remus outside of a friendly hand on his shoulder and Remus wondered if he knew.

(About Remus mad love for him or something else. Remus didn't know but was still anxious.)

He ignored how often Dumbledore or even Moody assigned him to the same task as Nymphadora. He had once more proven to himself how deeply he had fallen under his friend’s spell. He liked to love Tonks but agonising over not having Sirius was still sweeter.

_1996, fateful June 20th_

Then came **that night**. It was a rush, too much to keep up with, but something was wrong from the start.

Remus ran through the ministry his heart beating in his chest. He ran after his other heart who was a reckless shape in front of him, always disappearing behind corners when Remus couldn’t follow fast enough.

They ran along seemingly endless hallways and Sirius seemed to grow translucent as if this world was giving up its claim on him. (Remus had run harder, never willing to give an inch of that man up and each breath was like a stab in his chest.)

They had a battled with the Death Eaters like they hadn’t since the dark days before James’ and Lilly’s deaths. They had fought for their lives, maybe, but that was not what had been important. They had fought for one boy.

When Sirius had fallen through the mirror Remus couldn’t allow himself to break. He would have, for sure, if he hadn’t also been needed in that moment. Arms wrapped tightly around Harry he had done the one thing he could: He kept his promise.

(No one could have ever saved Sirius, but it was Remus’ duty to save Harry)

Holding the boy back from hurling himself through the curtain that swallowed his godfather kept Remus from hurling himself through the curtain that swallowed his world.

_1996, a lost summer_

He got over Sirius the same way he had gotten over his longing for him. Not at all. But that was fine. The pain was, after all, somewhat familiar.

_1997, while the war was brewing_

Someday, seemingly out of the blue, Remus simply gave up and allowed himself to do something about the love he still felt for Tonks. He held her like she was fragile, and compared to his broken body she was. She was unmarred and beautiful and for the life of him Remus didn’t understand what she could possibly see in him.

Had Sirius not died he would have felt too guilty for loving her as his second choice. But now he could see that he loved her just as much as one may love an other. It would take time for that love to accumulate as much as it had with the other man he had felt these feelings for, but if fate allowed it they would get there eventually.

(Remus would need to say sorry to Andromeda Tonks because he had, after all, tainted her daughter.)

Tonks was the one person who could look exactly like Sirius, if she had wanted to, but of course she never did. Instead their similarities were very faint. The former teacher was not sure if he preferred it this way. It made it easier to wrap his arms around her petite form without feeling disgusted by the rightness he felt in those moments.

_1997, Grimmauld place, once again._

He was becoming a father and loosing his mind. He was putting a child in this tainted world just as Lilly and James had. But he was no James, how could he provide anything for the child? How would he ever make it right for Tonks who deserved the world?

It was a bad omen and weak men like him always ran when faced with those.

When he went back to beg for forgiveness and Tonks took him back with love, not needing anything more he cried each night. For she was perfect and he was lost and the omens were not getting any better.

She suggested calling their child Sirius. Remus refused because that could never be the name of his son.

(Sirius was the name he had whispered while wanking in his dorm room, it was the name he cursed for thirteen years, the one he sobbed when he now woke up at night.)

They decided to name their son after Tonks father who had been a good man, unlike the man who would be this poor kid’s father.

Remus was deliriously happy to hold his newborn child, to look at his wife, in their house. He had never felt this happy. Without doubt he knew that this moment alone would sustain him for all his life to come, for all the dark days, even if he never had reason to smile again, in this perfect moment in time he was finally content with everything he had.

He only cried once, between the day his child was born and his last. It was when he put the small moonstone amulet that he had been gifted by James during their last Christmas in Hogwarts in his sons’ crib.

His voice broke over the words he said, the same ones that Lilly had said back then, sitting under the huge branches of the Christmas tree the marauders had stolen from the great hall and smuggled into their dorm.

(“You belong with us and we love all of you.”)

Tonks had witnessed the scene but never said a word. Remus wondered if she knew. Maybe. She now owned his heart, maybe she had taken the time to look at the scars on it, all of which spelled her cousins’ name.

_May 2nd, 1998. Hogwarts. An end._

Remus died at his wife’s side, fighting for their son. For James’ and Lillys’ son. For every child put into this word to have a bright future in freedom and peace.

He hated the irony of it all, grieved for his poor boy, soon to be an orphan. He wanted Nymphadora to live on, to become happy, to love their child and get all the love she was owned in return.

(But he died in peace. He knew there was nothing that could go wrong anymore. He had given everything, he had paid every price. It simply had to be all good, now. It had to…)

_“I sometimes wonder”, Sirius had said “I wonder, what you are going to do when I am gone.”Back then, Remus had answered with a joke, but the honest answer had been painfully obvious, all this time:_

_“Well, follow you, of course.”_

_So now, 19 years later, he did. Closed his eyes as a green light came hurling his way. He closed his eyes and while his body sagged and fell to the ground he let go of all of it. Darkness was pressing in on him from all sides, he had no eyes to see anymore, no lungs to take an other breath, no hearth to beat on steadily through the pain. And while the world was giving up its claim on him the last thing that flashed through his mind was a dark figure, bathed in a stark silver light. Something in him resonated with that image in a visceral way, even if he didn’t have the time left to tell why._  
  
This was the finally split second in the life of Remus. John. Lupin.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed everything so far. "Sometimes I wonder" is actually kind of a prolonged intro for a different story I have been working on on-and-off. Because if given a second/ fifth/ thousandths chance these idiots may actually work it out.


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